toaster-tips

4 out of 5 dentists recommend eating toast or getting toasted…not sure which it was?

Toaster TIp ??? Multiple Choice

The events of this week (ie a mandatory state funded test)  have left me in a mood to pose a multiple choice scenario to you.  Consider it your own personal standardized test. 

First I need to tell you the rules.  Please read along silently while I read the directions outloud.  (except because I cannot actually read to you, you should read them outloud and pretend it is me reading them to you.)

Any response to this question should be written with a number 2 pencil.  Oh wait scratch that.  How about a number two keyboard?  or whatever…

Anyway, on this test you, will have to read all by yourself a question that is clearly designed to confuse and baffle you.  You cannot use any dictionary, spellchecker or any other device that might actually allow you to have even a small amount of success.  I probably could help you understand the directions but really I dont feel like it so whatever, again.

Read the selection and then answer the multiple choice question. Yep only one.  It’s pass/fail. Suck it up.

The seven year old is making his birthday cupcakes when his mom has to step away for a BRIEF MOMENT.  At that exact, albeit brief, moment the seven year old decides to see what happens if he lifts the mixer out of the double batch of dark chocolate cake batter.

Which toaster tip best fits the previous scenario?

a) Put an age restriction on cake batter preparation.

b) Only an idiot would actually walk away from that…

c) Only an idiot WOULDN’T walk away from that…

d) You should be cleaning up the chocolate cake batter instead of blogging about it!

e)  ______________________________________

Please record your response in the comment section.  Clever ideas will become heros in my bloggosphere.  and no Sue bloggosphere is probably not a word…

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Toaster Tip #298

Here is the tip:

If you tell the short people that you are the Boss of the Applesauce they expect you to KNOW EVERYTHING.

Here’s the story…

6 year old:  Is this my fruit punch?

Me: Yes

6 year old: (takes drink of fruit punch) It’s cold!

Me: Uh yea!

13 year old: Duh stupid.

6 year old: Mom why is it …cold…something is wrong.

Me: I don’t know. I’m not the boss of the fruit punch.  Ask your Dad.

Everyone else (but me of course): Dad!

13 year old: She’s the Boss of the Applesauce not the fruit punch. Duh.

You should know that whilst I am typing this bit of wisdom, the 11 year old is extremely upset that she was not mentionned in the previous redition of tonight’s escapade in our kitchen. I told her to back off becasue I am the Boss of the Applesauce andI decide who does and does not make it into my blog.  Plus, since only about 3 people actually read this, it probably doesn’t matter anyway.

PS:  Said eleven year old has just started calling herself one one as in 11.  Weird right?  Now you know why I am the way I am.

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Toaster Tip #549

Just say NO.

Single Hot Neighbor:  Charlie, you need a goat.

Charlie:  Mom, can I get a goat?

Me: No.

See.  It’s easy.  Thank you, Nancy Reagan.

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Toaster Tip #823

First of all you need to know that I DO NOT like Oreo cookies.  They are weird.  The cream and the crunchy just not for me.  This is important back story for understanding this particulat blog post.

Toaster Tip #823.

Your children will NOT FAIL to throw you under the perverbial bus if necessary.

Dad: Wow.  Who ate all of the oreas?

6 year old: Mom

Whoever says children don’t lie is an idiot.

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Toaster Tip #823

First of all you need to know that I DO NOT like Oreo cookies.  They are weird.  The cream and the crunchy just not for me.  This is important back story for understanding this particulat blog post.

Toaster Tip #823.

Your children will NOT FAIL to throw you under the perverbial bus if necessary.

Dad: Wow.  Who ate all of the oreas?

6 year old: Mom

Whoever says children don’t lie is an idiot.

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Toaster Tip #4

Children say the darnedest things…

Zan:  Now I just need someone to fart so I can try out my gasmask.

Me: You need a fart?

Zan: Yes. Do you have one comin?

Me: No. No I don’t.

Zan: Uhhhh.  You always have a fart!

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Toaster Tip #3 A Public Service Announcement

I have decided to devote a bit of my internet space for an important PSA.  Bear with me.

EWS (Early Waking Syndrome) is an affliction which, if untreated, can alter our daily lives—especially Saturdays and Sundays.  This ILLNESS affects only  children and can be managed with some useful home remedies.

1.  Duct Tape

2.  Large Amounts of Caffiene– if administered early afternoon will produce the required burst of energy  that will then necessitate a deep long sleep.

3.  Benedryl (be careful with this one because 1% of children actually have the opposite reaction–trust me I have seen the results)

4.  Duct Tape

5.  Carb load with starchy snacks before bed. (expensive but it works)

***If all else fails, teach the child how to use the DVR by him/herself and lock your bedroom door.

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Toaster Tip #74

Always check your toaster for little plastic army men before inserting toast. Remember they have serviced our country and deserve the courtesy of a pre-toasting check.

Side note: I have just learned that my 6 year old likes to use the toaster as a bunker for his training missions. Who knew?

Sidenote #2: Just after this happened the 13 year old came downstairs and said, “Oh my God. What is that horrible smell? 6 year old says, “Oh that’s an army guy. Mom melted him. Do you wanna come to his funeral?”

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Toaster Tip #26

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Never make a reservation at a “hotel” that has to include the word BEST in it’s name.

If they have to tell you they are the BEST then….well, maybe they are NOT the best after all.

Here is the story.  We decided to spend the night in GR last weekend.  It was last minute but I was able to book online and reserve a room at America’s BEST Inn.  Awesome right?  Especially when you are travelling with four tired and cranky children. 

We pulled into the parking lot and it was filled with cars(duh, its a hotel) and people.  Just milling around.  Next, a woman comes running up to me and asks for a smoke.  When I say I don’t smoke.  She responds politely, “Yeah right, Bitch.”

Now I know you are thinking, “So, you got back in the car and left.”  No. No I didnt.  I proceeded to walk into the building hoping it would get better.  Wrong.  Fortunately, I saw the room before any money changed hands.

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Stinky. Dirty. Rotten. Ewww. These are all words that came to mind as he showed me into the room. If only the internet had scratch n sniff then you could get the full interactive experience.

As I went running from the hotel while still holding my breath because the stench as so strong, the worker shouted, “you want room?”

When I climbed back into the car, Charlie summed it up nicely.  “Mom, I think this place is called America’s WORST Inn.”

When I got home, I dug a little deeper and found this review…

Do Not Book!
PostedApril 23, 2012
 
I canceled my reservation after seeing the condition of the hotel, hallways and room. This was a flophouse, not a hotel! Renting rooms by the week or month, trash everywhere and broken down vehicles in the parking lot. Expedia needs to remove this “building” from its choices.
 
 
Hmmmm… I guess I wasn’t being overly critical afterall.
 
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